


But I'm a dog person!

by Rouge_Angle



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Madara is literally a cat, Modern AU, Silly, Unbeta'd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 01:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rouge_Angle/pseuds/Rouge_Angle
Summary: Obito's first mistake was rescuing the demon-cat. His second? Not noticing when it followed him home. (Or, the short and rather pointless story of how Obito ended up with a cat.)





	But I'm a dog person!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blackkat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackkat/gifts).



> Blackkat wrote a drabble about cat!Madara and my brain ran away with me. I apologize for this drivel.
> 
> My first KakaObi though it's only slight. My approach to new pairings is always to write crack for them.

Evil has many faces. Obito just wasn't expecting Satan to be so small and... _fluffy_.

He's always been a big softie, however much he denies it, so when he hears a pitful yowling coming from a storm drain, he's instantly moved to do something about it. Looking around he sighs and abandons his umbrella to lay stomach down on the pavement to rescue the poor thing. Rain pelts down on his unprotected back, quickly soaking his shirt to the skin as he squeezes his arm down the drain. "Come on, stay still, there's a good kitty," he mutters, until he gets a firm grip on matted, drenched fur. Which is easy enough, since the thing seems to be more fur than cat. Seconds later he yells as claws scythe into his arm and refuse to let go. "I'm trying to help you, you little asshole!" Obito yells down the drain, trying to yank his arm back. In the end he has no choice but twist his way free, dragging the cat up with him. Much more cat than he would've expected.

"Holy shit!" Obito stares at the soggy black cat, which is so big it looks like it could probably eat Pakkun. "What are you, part puma? How the hell did your fat ass fit down there in the first place?" He attempts to prise the bedraggled mutant off his arm. If he didn't know any better, he'd think the cat's glare grew more intense at the insult.

"Get off!" Obito's not proud of himself, but he picks up his umbrella and whacks the cat with it until it lets go. It springs from him, hissing and spitting, blood dripping from its claws. The punctures in his arm are deep. He's drenched. The cat is an _asshole_. "Way to show gratitude," he mutters, not even bothering with his umbrella since he's nearly home and so wet there's no point.

His first mistake was rescuing the demon-cat. His second? Not noticing that it followed him home.

-x-

Obito's opened the door to find Kakashi holding a lot of things over the years: porn, flowers, chocolate, Obito's mail, a crazy tangle of excitable dogs. But he's never opened the door to his boyfriend presenting him with roadkill before. "Eugh, what the _hell_ Kakashi?" The squirrel dangling from Kakashi's hand by it's fluffy tail is little more than spine, limbs and head, its eyes glazed and sightless.

Kakashi shrugs. "I was wondering that myself. This was laying on your doormat." He makes a face, mouth twisting down at one corner. "I stepped on it."

"Well don't keep waving it around - do you have any idea how many germs that could be harbouring? Throw it away."

"Maa, you're not squeamish are you?"

"Shut up. I just ate."

They bury it in the back garden and forget about it, curling up on the couch together to watch TV. After Kakashi has thoroughly washed his hands.

Next time it's a sparrow, the small body crunching under Obito's shoe. He curses the air blue and looks more carefully as he steps into his porch from then on. 

The third time's the charm apparently, and he catches the culprit. A huge, fluffy black cat is laying what looks like someone's pet bunny (unless wild rabbits can be piebald? Obito hopes wildly that they can) on the doormat just as he opens the door to go out for work. " _You_!" he exclaims.

The cat jumps at his sudden appearance and scoots backwards, hissing at him. Then it stops. Blinks it's reddish amber eyes at him. And meows.

The asshole has been leaving him presents. Obito sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "I appreciate the thought, but could you not? Your little gifts are disgusting." 

Cat-Satan blinks at him, decides he's apparently too thick to live, and moves the rabbit, depositing it on his shoes and winding its bulk around his ankles, purring. 

"No," Obito protests weakly, pushing it away with his foot. "Bad cat." He pushes more insistently. Cat-Satan pounces on his leg. 

His yells echo down the street.

-x-

Sometimes the best part about being a couple is doing nothing together. Just laying around in each other's company, sharing lazy ice-cream kisses. Kakashi's a weirdo who doesn't like _normal_  flavours, but Obito gets to lay out in the sun canoodling his half-naked boyfriend, so he's willing to put up with some gross ice-cream. Even squid.

"I feel sorry for whoever thought seafood ice cream was a good idea," Obito says, miming gagging as he comes up for air. "They must have been deeply disturbed. Which explains why you like it now I think about it."

"You're so cruel to me," Kakashi whines in that annoying fake way of his that earns him no sympathy. "Especially when you like to eat - cat!" he says suddenly, sitting up.

"Ah no?" Obito looks at him strangely. "Not that I know of? Though that Chinese takeaway is pretty suspicious now you mention it." He's always expected that Zetsu, the anemically pale cook, might be a cannibal or something, hence why he never eats there.

Kakashi sits up, untangling himself from Obito and making their sun lounger rock dangerously. "No, look. There's a feline stealing my ice cream."

Obito looks. "It's _The_ cat. You know, the one that keeps leaving me dead things." He can't say he's too sad about the loss of Kakshi's gross choice in ice cream though. The cat is actually kind of cute, in it's own, feral and thoroughly antisocial way.

"Shoo!" Kakashi barks, throwing his sunglasses at it. They fall far short, and the cat leaps for freedom. For one horrible moment Obito can see far more than he wants to, before the cat lands on his face. Butt-first.

Obito thrashes wildly, exclamations muffled by thick fur, causing the sun lounger to tip over, depositing him and Kakashi onto the grass with a crash.

Obito moans in despair.

"Are you okay?" Kakashi asks, checking him over for injuries. Obito shakes his head and meets his gaze with a haunted expression.

"Kitty balls Kakashi," he whispers. "Kitty balls."

"...at least you've answered that burning question?"

Obito stares at him for a moment, and then, in a move worthy of Cat-Satan himself, upends the squid ice cream into Kakashi's hair.

-x-

Obito decides that the best way to stop the cat killing things and bringing them to him is to feed him. If he's not hungry, he won't need to hunt. Right? Or scrounge ice cream.

So he starts setting out a water bowl and a dish of tinned catfood every day. Pretty soon, the cat is showing up just before dinnertime, purring and rubbing against Obito's legs. He's kind of cute when he's not being an asshole. "I bet you'd look a lot less mangy if someone gave you a bath."

The cat stares at him with the eyes of a merciless killer.

"I said someone," Obito points out, scratching him behind the ears. "Not me. Though you could do with it. You kind of stink."

He explains his stroke of genius to Rin, who is less than enthusiastic. "Obito, don't take this the wrong way, but you can be kind of stupid  sometimes. Do you know anything about animals? You've practically gone and stamped 'Property of Fluffy Evil Cat' on your ass."

"Madara. And no, I haven't."

"...you named him? Obito. He's your cat."

"What? No. No way. I don't even like cats much. They're snooty.I'm more of a dog person."

"No, you're more of a Kakashi person. And I'm telling you now that Madara is your cat. You'll never get rid of him."

Obito really hates how she has this tendency to be right.

-x-

Obito has to get rid of Madara. He's evil incarnate. "One minute he'll be all cute and purring," he explains to Kakashi, "the next he's worming across my keyboard or using the sofa as a scratching post or peeing outside the litterbox. He thinks this is his house now."

Kakashi rolls his eyes. "You fed him. You need to stop feeding him and wait until he finds some other foolish cat lady to take advantage of."

"Did you seriously just call me a cat lady?"

"...Maybe?"

Their new plan is to bring all of Kakashi's dogs around to drive Madara off. Dogs are the natural enemies of cats. This has to work.

It doesn't.

The pack had put up a good effort at being ferocious, but unfortunately, Madara was just nastier. All his fur stood on end, making him look about three times bigger than he actually was. He hissed and yowled like something possessed, charging at the dogs when they got too close, ending up battering Pakkun around the head with his paws until the pug slunk away with his tail between his legs. Poor Bull got a swipe to the nose which made Kakashi instantly sweep all his dogs off home to mother hen them and soothe their wounded egos.

"Useless mutts," Obito grumbles. Madara hops up onto his lap, looking smug and victorious, curling himself into a ball and kneading Obito's thigh with his claws.

Obito winces. "Cut that out you little jerk. Or you're taking a trip down the vets for a little snip-snip."

-x-

Eventually he just gives up. Yes, his cat is a mercurial little shit and he'd never even wanted him in the first place. But Madara is also always there when he gets home from work. Yes, he meows all night to come into the bedroom so he can try and smother Kakashi, but Obito has almost convinved himself that this is Madara's way of trying to be friendly. Almost.

 

 

 


End file.
